butterflies

he gave me butterflies

then he left

b

it feels familiar

but a little strange this time

i learn to lower down my expectations 

or not have it at all

but it still hurts

i learn to love someone patiently 

but it didn’t work

it feels like a short trip

we both share the same memories

it was precious

but now it’s time we go home

he didn’t come to my mind as much as i thought it would

but when i am typing this

i do

and i wonder what is he doing now

he probably is just getting stoned

idk

i hope i cross his mind sometimes

and i probably do not deserve love 

2019

I don’t like end-of-years. There’s a pressure to look back and make changes for the future, and being the stubborn empath that I am, I fight the pressure of feeling it all again because it gets overwhelming. And it’s the end of a decade. lol. So my emotional state is at a peak. I don’t want to bore you with a list of my failures and accomplishments, but I’ll say this - inside these years, I've reached highest highs. lowest lows. embraced my softness, I’ve had my heart ache in ways I didn’t know possible and I’ve learned to heal with grace and gentleness, I’ve made homes with people close and a little too far away now, and I’ve become good at reminding myself that a caring heart is not weak but a gift. I’m growing and I hope it shows. Being human is so messy and complex. 2019 was the year I realised that you cannot go backwards in any way or form. You are always being pushed forward to be your best self even through tough times when it doesn't feel like it the most. Know that there is so much we don’t see carrying us through, and I’m grateful we’re in this together. Here’s to continuing being soft and dramatic and fun, too.

Jaden

21

𝐼 𝓉𝓊𝓇𝓃𝑒𝒹 21 𝒻𝑒𝓌 𝒹𝒶y𝓼 𝒶𝓰𝓸 𝓼𝓸  𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒  𝒶𝓇𝑒 21 𝒻𝓊𝓃 𝒻𝒶𝒸𝓉𝓼 𝓪b𝓸𝓊𝓉 𝓶𝓮

1. A lot people said that I changed, I became different, especially recent years which I graduated from my high school. Well, I believe everyone is different when they are in different circle, it's like a switch that you just show what you wanted to be shown in certain circles. But most importantly, I'm still the same, and I'm just more comfortable to express myself now. So instead of saying I change, some people just never really know me deeply.

2. I'm not rich. I wasn't born in a wealthy family. I work hard for the things that I want. I've been trained to be independent my whole life.

3. A lot people might think I'm a social butterfly but I'm actually SOCIALLY AWKWARD AS FUCK. I know y'all r going to disagree about this with me but you need to see me in front of someone I like / look up to / has feelings for / want to be friends with / cool. 

4. People who eats pizza using cutlery pissed me off.

5. I'm picky about who I surround myself with and that's why I only fuck with very little people in my life. I strongly believe in "choose your friends wisely" more than "make more friends" because life's too short to waste your energy with people who you really don't vibe with. No hate, don't get me wrong. (And I think that's why everyone's first impression about me is unfriendly haha)

6. I really do appreciate little things in life.

7. I can be the nicest and meanest person at the same time.

8.
    

9. I don't really love my family that much like everyone else. It's more like a job for me. For being a good son, for being a good grandson, for being one of the family members. But I really appreciate my mom a lot.

10. I hate copycats. Everyone nowadays needs to learn how to give credits.

11. I really love KL, more than I thought. 

12. The top 3 countries I want to visit are India, Morocco and Japan.

13. I care about what people think of me. I might seem unbothered most of the time but it has come to a point where I finally realised I really do care about other's opinions. What others say or think about me always affect me in a way or another.

14. I don't always get attach emotionally, but when I do, I attach real hard lol. (I'm trying to change about this.)

15. Sometimes I'm really selfish, I don't like sharing what's mine. But sometimes I give everything I have. I don't really know what It depends on. There are just always 2 moods in me.

16. I'm very insecure about my body and it's hard not to let the little things get to you. I get questioned "why are you so skinny" my entire life but trust me, every single time you just make me feel bad for myself, and I don't even have an answer for that.

17. I've never watch a single episode of Friends growing up.

18. I'm very confused about my sexuality, but one thing for sure I'm definitely not straight.

19. I get nervous to talk on the phone, but it's something I want to work on.

20. One time my dad got so drunk and he passed out. And I had a look on his dick and that's how I found out about pubic hair and it scared me a lot.

21. I'm not a virgin.

Let me know if you think which is wrong because what I know about myself might be different from what you know about me, also I don't even know myself that well. ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ

SC

Not trying to be petty but sometimes I just don't understand why do I need to be nice.
I'm not sure if I should keep trying to "blend" with these bunch of people
or I should just quit
because what's the point of putting in efforts into a place where you don't feel welcomed at all

Everyone remembers everyone's birthday and there is me who got left out
Got added into groups sharing presents for others and there is me who didn't even get a wish from these bunch of people who I care.
I wanted to believe that everyone is busy with their works
but you guys tend to remember someone who shared the same birthday with me in cg but forgot mine

I'm not even sure how should I feel about this
about the belated wishes
not sad, it is just so funny
funny to see how everyone pretend to care
guess it's just a place where I don't belong to

Ahns

还记得上一次我们联络的时候是 《安九》出来的时候
然后歌词里面最打动我的一句是
“在快乐与悲伤都写在我们的脸上的那些时代里，我们不需要去隐藏我们的情绪。”
然后我就一次过把想说的话都告诉了你
然后我也让你去听这首歌
然后就没有然后了

可是都不重要了
因为现在你开心我就会开心
我没有这么伟大能够和你坦然相处
但是我是真心希望你好
以后都会好

Same

Ever just feel so little in this big world?

Ever just feel like you fucked up on a first date?

Ever just think that nobody takes you seriously?

Ever just feel like you don't belong to a circle?

Ever just feel like you're not enough?

Ever just feel like you always say something wrong?

Ever just hate being in your own body?

Ever just want to disappear?

Because I do. 

My Mind Pt 1

My mind keeps running.

I call my friend before I walk into a party every time.

I don't want to feel nervous, but I do.

I want to leave.

I forced myself to stay.

I tell myself everything will be alright.

I try to act normal.

I avoid eye contacts.

My brain tells me I don't belong.

But I know it's just my anxiety.

I stay and deal.

I have conversations with myself in my head.

I left.

I regret about it.

I hate myself for not doing it right.

It seems so easy, yet so hard.

I tell myself to try again next time.

I practice every time.

It never goes the way I hope it to be.

I hate myself.

I feel so bad.

To anyone that thinks I'm hard to deal with.

I'm sorry.

TOP 10 favourite collections from MEN - FW19

First of all, fashion is split into four seasons. These seasons are Spring/Summer, Fall/Winter, Resort and Pre-Fall. The two major seasons, however, are Spring/Summer and Fall/Winter. And there will also be couture collection which means they are all handmade, made to measure instead of ready to wear. The recent Paris and Milan FW19 fashion week has come to an end and I decided to pick top 10 of my favourites from the men's collections.



10. Gmbh

9. Sean Suen

8. C2H4

7. Acne Studios

6. Jil Sander

5. Kenzo

4. Ludovic de Saint Sernin

3. Loewe

2. Dior

1. Jacquemus